


Bodies

by YurisSpanx



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anal Sex, Anxiety, M/M, Minor Character Death, Murder Husbands, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Office Worker, Panic Attacks, Rimming, Rough Sex, Semi-Public Sex, Shyness, Stalking, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 19:15:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28748301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YurisSpanx/pseuds/YurisSpanx
Summary: Reed is terrified of his own body, to the point where he can't stand to be naked, and his progress in therapy is slow going. He meets Sebastian, a pretty young man with a sunny demeanour and a glint in his eye. He helps desensitise Reed to his fear, but in the most horrifying of ways.
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally a fanfic, but I've left the fandom, sooo...tada!

Reed stared at the clean pyjamas laid out on his bed, unwilling to move towards them. It was 10pm. If he left this any later, he wouldn't get to sleep until well after midnight, and then he'd be tired at work and his boss would catch him dozing or he'd make a dire error while entering a customer's fees and he'd get fired and he'd have to go back to job interviews where people in dark suits would judge him and who was hiring these days, anyway? He could have just gone to bed. And then what? Shower in the morning, still feeling the queasy aftershocks when he got to work? Go to work stinky, and smell his own sweat all day while wondering if anyone else could smell it - oh of course they could smell it; they could always smell it.

He caught his breath as it started to hammer against his throat, and forced it to filter slowly through his nostrils. Then he grabbed the clothes and took them into the bathroom.

He closed the toilet lid, put the pyjamas on top, and turned on the shower. When the water was hot enough to scald away any germs, he quickly pulled his tshirt and shorts off, flung them into the laundry basket in the corner, and stepped into the shower. He didn't look at the way the water made his boxers cling to him, or the clear rivers coursing down his exposed skin. He just counted his breaths and rubbed the soap everywhere, then turned the pressure up and let the force send the suds off his body and down the drain.

He scrunched his eyes closed against the scream in his head, turned off the water, and opened the shower door. Cool air rushed in to replace the steam, racing over his skin and making him jump. He opened his eyes, grabbed a towel off the rail, and dried himself quickly. Then he wrapped the towel under his armpits, shimmied out of his boxers, and dried the rest of himself. The boxers left a damp mark on the bath mat, dark and squelching.

Now that he was dry, the pyjamas awaited. Soft, elastic, and cotton. Shorts extending nearly to the knees, tshirt hiding his collarbone. He stood before them, closed his eyes, dropped his towel, and threw the material on as fast as he could. Air forced through his throat but barely made it to his lungs before being expelled by convulsions in his chest. He hung the towel back on the rail, one end too long and trailing to the floor, left the boxers to dry on the bath mat, and fled to his bedroom, where the walls were cream instead of white, and there was no mirror embedded in the wall with a permanency that would only tear at his nails if he tried to pry it off.

~*~

"I tripped in front of the general manager, today," Reed said, glancing at Juyoung as she pressed her unreadable scribble into her notepad. "She helped me up. She's really nice."

"Good." Juyoung smiled. "Were you able to continue working?"

He pursed his lips and nodded, staring at the ground. "I was okay. Normal, anyway. No big deal." He shrugged and laughed.

"Good, good." She nodded, still smiling. "What about your showers?"

Reed blushed and looked down at his knees, but the shape of them through his courdroy pants spun his mind. He stared at the carpet, instead.

"Normal," he said. This time, the word was stretched over a high pitch.

"How did you find the techniques I gave you?"

"I...was too distracted to use them."

"They're supposed to be distracting you from your anxiety."

"I was too distracted to distract myself." He looked up and laughed.

"Concentrate and take it slowly."

"It's just," he twisted his hands in his lap, "my head's too full. I can't recite riddles when _one thing_ is pushing pushing pushing at my skull." He demonstrated with his hands in juddering motions around his head.

"Can you describe that one thing for me?" She put down her pen and settled back in her chair.

"You know...that I don't want to be naked." He brought his hands back into his lap and clasped them tight.

"Have you thought any more about why that might be?"

He shrugged. "Maybe I'm just extra modest."

"Alright." Juyoung sighed. "Have more of a think about it, and come up with something for me next week."

"Sure," he nodded earnestly, though he couldn't fathom completing the task.

"And remember to keep your mind busy. Don't even give yourself a chance to worry about anything."

"I know." He slouched and looked at her sheepishly, then followed her as she got up and moved to the door. "Thank you."

"Not at all." She waved him out of the little room and its net curtains fluttering at the window, shrouding them from the bushes outside.

He walked down the corridor, past three other identical doors into what he assumed were identical rooms. He had never crossed paths with anyone exiting one of those rooms, but he still walked quickly, in case this was his unlucky day. But he emerged from the corridor unscathed by strangers' eyes, out into the foyer. It was wide, with large windows and an open-plan kitchen, with hallways that led to a church, reception, and meeting rooms. He could be anyone, here, even a good soul meeting his pastor.

On one of the squashy, threadbare couches beside the therapy corridor, a young man sat, head bowed over a smartphone. He was wearing a cream shirt and light blue trousers, and his black hair shone with a cleanliness Reed hadn't achieved for years. He looked up, full lips and bright eyes smiling, and grinned at Reed. Reed smiled back, almost tripping on his own feet, and scuttled out of the lobby.

~*~

Reed copied and pasted the same set of numbers into fifteen data entry sheets, then double checked every one, scrutinising them all as though copy and paste would lie to him. He yawned and peeked at the desk beside him. Lan was twirling his pen in his hand and staring into the middle of the room.

When he caught Reed looking, he smirked and said, "Is it putting you to sleep, yet?"

Reed laughed. "It's better than being stressed at my old job."

"Oh, you left by choice, did you?" Lan raised an eyebrow.

"I did!"

"Rumour has it, you made a huge cock-up, went crazy from stress, and rage quit."

A memory started to swell in Reed's chest, and he gulped it away. "Don't spread that!"

"Hey, _I_ didn't spread it." Lan splayed his hand against his chest. "I just listened."

"Well, it's not entirely true," Reed said. "I did think about it a lot. Quitting, I mean."

"Sure," Lan said, then his eyebrows rose and he swiveled his desk chair around to face his computer.

Reed followed suit, just in time for Eunsil to stroll into the office, holding a folder to her black lapels.

"Reed, I've got an urgent task for you," she said and placed the folder on his desk. "I'm meeting with Doolan's Forestry in half an hour and I need their file updated. You'll find all the documents on the network."

"I understand." Reed nodded and started clicking through the folders. His mouse got tangled in its own cord and clattered out of his hand. Eunsil sighed while he laughed and retrieved it.

She turned to Lan, and Reed half listened while he opened PDFs and sent them to the printer.

"I need you to check that their budget is correct. Just double check that the numbers all add up. I'm trusting you to be _very accurate_."

"Alright."

Her heels clopped away and his mouse continued to click, opening document after document. Their windows fanned out across the screen, overlapping grids of numbers and charts. It was okay that he got the mindless task. He didn't care that she didn't trust him to be _very accurate_. Even the time pressure couldn't make this task stressful. And he got to stand up, stretch his legs, stop his butt from melding with his desk chair. His stomach coiled in on itself, and he was suddenly aware that the edge of his desk was cutting into it. He moved his chair back slightly and hunched over the keyboard, while the mouse seemed to get slipperier, it's plastic surface unable to handle his moist skin.

~*~

Reed walked out of the therapy corridor after yet another admonishion from Juyoung. Keep your mind active. No space left to worry. No space for anything but worry.

His eyes instantly flicked to the couch by the corridor, and was met with two crescent shaped eyes, fronds of black hair brushing their eyelashes.

"Hello," the man from last week said.

Reed bowed and kept shuffling through the lobby, his elbows suddenly loose and his arms floppy. "Hello." His voice sounded cartoonish. The man was still smiling. Maybe he liked it.

~*~

Reed propped his book against the handles of his Exercycle and pressed it open until the spine bent. The TV in front of the machine sat black and reflective, and he looked away from the image of his arms emerging from his singlet. No more TV while exercising. Juyoung said it was too passive and would give him too much time to dwell on unhealthy thoughts. So he would read. The book was, so far, an insipid tale of a boy getting a crush on a girl five years older than him, but he didn't need any stress in his life. The most suspense in this book would be over when the love interest would tell the protagonist that she didn't date boys who still slept with cuddly toys.

Perhaps Reed needed a cuddly toy. But - didn't he want to date? Did he?

~*~

Maybe he did. The man in the lobby was smiling at him again. Reed hesitated, wobbling in place for a moment in the thick air that seemed to have surged up around him to catch his fall.

“Hi,” the man said, voice soft and cheerful. He swept his hair out of his eyes and scooted forwards in his seat. “You see Juyoung, too?”

Reed’s eyes bulged and he blushed.

“You don’t have to answer,” the man said, putting a hand to his lips.

Reed took in a deep breath, let it out slowly, and said, “I do.” He laughed, and it didn’t sound _entirely_ awkward. “Does she boss you around, too?”

“She tries,” the man snickered.

“But she’s good. I like her,” Reed added quickly and moved to lean against the arm of the couch.

“Me too.” The man moved aside and looked up at Reed with eyes that were warm, expectant and inviting.

Reed almost sat down, but Juyoung’s voice called out behind him, “Sebastian?”

He whirled around to find her staring at him, face like the still surface of a lake, a speck of light glimmering on a tiny ripple.

The man got up. “Bye,” he said, squeezing Reed’s arm as he passed him and followed Juyoung into the corridor. His walk was graceful, self assured, even after having his name so rudely exposed.

~*~

The next week, Reed decided not to ask Juyoung about Sebastian. Even though he wanted to ask what a sweet looking young man was doing in therapy. She’d probably tell him that _he_ was a sweet young man in therapy, but they both knew that was a lie. Besides, confidentiality.

This made her statement, “You were talking to my other client, last week,” too unexpected; he’d had no time to prepare himself and stave off the blush that spread over his cheeks and down his neck.

“Ah, yes, he was nice,” he tried to say casually.

“He is,” she said, eyes resting on him like a blanket. “Charming. Secretive.”

“Should...should you be talking about him to me?” His voice shook. His _hands_ shook. Curses.

“No,” she conceded.

He knew that she could see that he liked him, but she wasn’t going to say anything, after he’d just shamed her. Her mouth was pressed together, and she was scrutinising her clipboard with an intensity that gave way to a mindless glaze every so often. He told her about his new exercise routine, but he still felt foolishness scratching the insides of his skin. His armpits felt damp, which made his gut churn, and, no, he really shouldn’t think about his gut. The backs of his eyes hurt. He closed them and saw spots of light. They swarmed together and made the shape of Juyoung’s face.

“Perhaps you should start a reading list,” Juyoung was saying. “Were there any subjects at university you liked?”

The image of himself, spine bent over a textbook, cramming for an exam, and now he would never use algebra again. He couldn’t even add all the numbers in a row of a spreasheet. Apparently.

He opened his eyes and said, “I’ll study Mandarin. May I have a glass of water?”

“Yes, of course.” While Juyoung fetched a glass from the table near the window, he cursed himself. Now she’d expect a an update on his improvement in Mandarin each week.

He concentrated on sipping the water and letting it wash the pain out of his head, and managed to spin out a story about Lan and Allan decorating the staff room with one hundred balloons until the end of his session.

It took him seven slow breaths to get from Juyoung's door to the lobby. Sebastian was there, legs crossed over the squashy, brown couch, smiling, blushing, a cheeky glint in his eyes. That glint shone when he saw Reed, and beamed across his body. Reed’s foot crossed across his ankle and he toppled over while his arms jutted out and pinwheeled. Sebastian jumped up and caught him under one arm. His chest was pressing warmth into Reed’s bicep, fingers curled under his armpit. Clammy forehead and wide eyes facing smiling crescents ringed with lashes. Reed laughed and straightened his posture.

“Are you okay?” Sebastian’s fingertips hesitated at the edge of his arm, before he let go.

“Yeah.” Reed shrugged and shook his arms. “Whoops.”

“You’re cute.” Was there sarcasm in Sebastian’s tone? Or was Reed paranoid?

“Hah.” Reed scratched the back of his head. “I don’t think so.”

“I do.” Sebastian beamed. “I didn’t get your name.”

Reed hesitated, then blurted out, “Daniel.”

“Daniel, I was thinking…” Sebastian bit his lip and looked down, but, when he looked back up, his eyes were still sparkling, “maybe we could go out sometime.”

“Me?” Reed blinked and laughed.

“I asked you out and you’re laughing at me?” Sebastian gasped, though the corners of his lips were still upturned.

“Not like that!” Reed’s palms sprung up in placation. “I like you. Why do you like me? I mean! Where do you want to go?”

“Hmmm.” Sebastian looked up into his fringe, then pointed out the window and down the street. “Golden Elephant, ummm, six o'clock this Friday?”

“Okay!” Reed nodded, making a mental note to Google the location on the way home.

“See you then,” Sebastian said, just as Juyoung appeared at the mouth of the corridor. Both turned to her with varying levels of sheepishness.

~*~

A waitress smiled at Reed as he entered the restaurant, and led him to a small table by the window, her gold satin dress swishing about her legs as she went. A tree had flattened its branches against the window pane, blocking most of the table from the street, he noticed with relief. In the middle of the table, a ceramic elephant with big eyes and long eyelashes stared at him as he sat down. He picked it up and made it do a dance across his napkin. The waitress giggled and left him alone.

He pulled out his smartphone and flicked through his facebook notifications. Two pending approvals. His mother had tagged him in a status about the dinner she was cooking, and Allan had uploaded a picture of him with a balloon in front of his face. He considered them for a moment, then approved them both and they appeared on his wall. Through the window and the branches, he could see a couple walk by, one jacket draped over the both of them. He looked back at his phone. It was one minute past six. He made to put his phone back in his pocket, but it dropped to the parquet floor.

“Crap!” He ducked under the table to find it. When he did, the dust plug was missing from the earphone jack. All he could see under the table was shadowy planks of wood and table legs. He felt around - was that it? No - a nail. And that was a lolly wrapper. Eugh.

“Um, are you alright?”

Reed poked his head out from where he was crouched like a frog, and blinked at the waitress.

“Yes, sorry, I just lost something. It’s very small. But it’s okay.” He crawled out and stood up, dusting off his knees.

“Just a moment.” She darted off, then came back with a torch. It had a picture of Minnie Mouse on it.

“Oh! Thank you!” He took it, laughing, and crouched back down to shine the light under the table. He still couldn’t see it - the shadows just deepened, and the circle of light radiated distracting patterns over the wood - so he crawled back under the table.

“Reed?” Sebastian’s voice tickled the backs of his ankles.

He jumped and hit his head on the underside of the table. Did he just call him Reed? Crawling back out, he looked up at Sebastian in alarm, a lick of his copper-brown hair flicking upwards. When he stood, Sebastian smoothed it back down.

“How did you...find out?”

Sebastian winked and put his finger to his lips, then sat down. Reed followed suit while his mouth gaped.

“What were you doing under the table?” Sebastian asked and prodded the chopsticks on top of his napkin.

“I lost the thingy from my phone.” Reed wiggled his phone and pointed to the earphone jack.

But - wait - his name. Sebastian’s smile was so gentle. Maybe Juyoung had told him. Reed would have to talk to her about this.

“They’re cheap,” Sebastian said. “I can buy you a new one.”

“You’re so sure you’ll see me again,” Reed said, then winced. “I mean - thank you.”

“Of course I’ll see you again.” Sebastian reached over and his hand settled on Reed’s, stilling the buzzing nerves. “Unless you get a new therapy time.”

"Even then, I get the feeling I'd see you again."

"Maybe." Sebastian swayed in his chair and Reed giggled.

The waitress came back, retrieved the torch, and took their orders. While they waited, Reed told Sebastian about his job.

"There's this guy - he wears his pants too low and you can see his - you know - crack... I really hate it. I have to time my lunches for when he's not in the staff room. I got him for secret Santa, last Christmas, so I bought him a belt."

"You didn't!" Sebastian burst out laughing, covering his mouth with his hand.

"It was my friend's idea. But he doesn't wear it. He said something about his pants fitting fine. I know pant shopping is hard, but wow."

Reed started to think about how hard it was to find pants that were big enough on his thighs and small enough on his hips, then squeezed his eyes shut and thought about the chef's special he'd just ordered.

“What about you?” he asked the still-laughing Sebastian.

“My pants?” Sebastian looked down at his legs under the table.

“No!” Reed blushed. “What job do you do?”

“Oh! I’m a receptionist at a law firm. No butt crack there, or you’ll be fired on the spot.”

“I can imagine… Sounds stressful.”

“Just gotta keep a straight face when the lawyers lose their shit. One of them used to call me dumbass, but he doesn’t anymore.” Sebastian’s smile was benign, and the flick of his eyelashes almost hid the glint in his eyes.

“You went to HR?” Reed asked.

Sebastian made a vague humming sound. “He was punished.”

Before Reed could wonder what that meant, the waitress returned with two large plates: lamb curry for Sebastian; and chicken covered with almond slices for Reed.

“It’s like an armadillo!” Reed exclaimed at the golden scales coating his chicken.

They barely spoke as they devoured their meals, only stopping to offer each other portions from their plates and guide their chopsticks to each other’s mouths. The small restaurant filled up, and the sunlight from outside was replaced with candlelight at each table, but Reed only noticed the way the shadows on Sebastian’s face changed from triangles under his cheekbones to whorls under his eyes.

After their meal, Reed found himself following Sebastian out onto the street and following wherever he deigned to take him. Sebastian shivered as a gust of wind shook his fringe out of his eyes, and Reed ached to put an arm around him; he just couldn’t bring himself to.

Sebastian stopped in front of an olive-green gateway. Reed stared at the bars, at the textured, off-white walls surrounding the apartment complex within. His own apartment complex. He turned to Sebastian. He hadn’t told him where he lived, had he? No. He hadn’t. Then why did he look so innocent, standing there without even the glint in his eyes? Reed’s breathing became shallow, barely reaching his lungs before it tore back up through his oesophagus, then back down again. Sebastian’s lips pursed into a full bud, he leant forward, and they pressed against Reed’s own lips, parted in fright.

Oh! A kiss! Reed knew how to do that. Move his lips slightly, suck, rub a hand up his neck. Don't be boring. His brain fizzed like a lozenge in water, turning his consciousness murky. The sting of fright was still there, but it was amalgamating with the fizz. Besides, how could anyone with such soft lips and such soft hair be sinister?

~*~

Reed lay in bed, covered with boxers, flannelette pyjamas, a sheet, and two blankets. It wasn’t that cold; in fact, his skin was moistening, his head was fogging up, and nausea was balling up in his throat, but he couldn’t move to throw even one blanket off.

His second date with Sebastian was in two hours. He wasn’t that worried about it. Sebastian was nice. Yes, creepy, but somehow calming, too. And, God, he was pretty.

~*~

“I’ll show you my favourite ice cream place,” Sebastian said, cupping Reed’s elbow.

The joint locked and Reed blinked rapidly, then realised it wasn’t appropriate to look quite so alarmed.

“Sure!” Reed said, laughing with his shoulders. “Are you friends with the owner? Does he let you hide bodies in the freezers?”

Sebastian gasped and burst into laughter, swatting at Reed’s shoulder while tears collected in the corners of his eyes.

~*~

“What’s eating you?” Lan asked, swinging the back of Reed’s office chair to and fro.

Reed puffed out his cheeks and stared up at him.

“What?” Lan shook his chair, and Reed let his arms flop at his sides.

“It’s fine,” Reed said, pouting. “I just have a date.”

“Really?” Lan clutched his shoulders. “Who with?”

“Just some guy I met,” Reed shrugged. “He’s really pretty.”

“Ooh, is he on facebook?”

“It’s only our third date - I haven’t added him, yet.”

“Third date?” Allan popped up behind Lan. “Are you gonna take him home?”

“No!” Reed gaped. “Do you think he’ll expect it?”

Lan shook his head. “I bet he’s guessed you’re a prude. You’ll be fine.”

“What? I’m not -” Well. Maybe he was, by default.

“You’re cute - you can get away with making him wait,” Allan said, and Reed’s blush deepened.

Across the room, Jack scoffed, “Cute!” and burst into cruel laughter ineffectively shielded with his hand. Lan scowled and wrenched Reed’s chair around so he couldn’t see their smirking coworker.

~*~

The third date went successfully. They watched a movie, ate junk food, then walked back to Reed's house. They didn't talk about how Sebastian knew where he lived. But still, Reed's pulse started to race when he saw those olive green gates. When Sebastian took his hand, it was clammy.

"Can I come inside?" Sebastian asked, and Reed blinked, eyes popping. "To make out?"

"To...to... Oh, I guess that's...yes, ah, follow me." Reed turned and punched in the code for the gate, shielding the intercom with his back.

They waited until the gates were open wide enough, then slipped through. Reed took them up in the lift, bouncing on the balls of his feet and making silly faces while Sebastian laughed and edged closer. Their fingers linked, and it felt, to Reed, by accident, but the look on Sebastian's face told him it wasn't. A sly smile under batting eyelashes.

Reed had trouble getting his key to fit into his apartment's lock. It grated against the keyhole and fell to the floor in a jingling heap. Sebastian bent down, picked the keychain up, and slid the right one into the lock. He placed a hand softly on Reed's arm and led him into the apartment as though it were his own, then Reed led the way into the living room.

"Ah," Reed turned to look at the kitchen, then whirled around to face Sebastian, "would you like something to drink?"

Sebastian bit his lip and shook his head.

"I have frozen juices," Reed offered, swaying in place.

Sebastian snorted and reached for Reed, pulling him by the sleeves until he stood barely a centimetre away. He tipped his head forward until their lips met, and fused them together with a hard suck. Reed squeaked and placed his hands on either side of Sebastian's face to regain some semblance of control.

They ambled over to Reed's two-sweater couch in between kisses and Sebastian's nips. When Reed sat, Sebastian pushed him backwards until he lay against the cushions. His hands on his chest were gentle, but to Reed they felt covered in thorns. Reed whimpered, blinking hard to quell any tears. And then Sebastian's tongue was in his mouth and Reed's body was sandwiched between an achingly, nauseatingly warm chest and the cushions. Something flinched in Reed's groin, but any pleasure was overrun by the need to get him off get him off get him off get him off -

Slam - Sebastian was on his back and Reed was pinning his wrists into the couch, the tendons in his arms sticking out. Sebastian's mouth was open, red and wet, and his lids covered most of his dark eyes. He thrust his hips upwards, and let out a raspy moan as Reed kept his body out of reach, crouched over him, thighs between his.

"Reed," Sebastian said slowly, from deep in his throat.

Before he could plead for more contact, Reed kissed him hard. Sebastian didn't strain against Reed's hands, but he slid a leg up to hook around his hips. His foot curved over Reed's butt and his leg melded to his side. The taste of his mouth started to cloy against his tongue. Reed's breathing started to hammer against Sebastian's lips. Reed launched himself off Sebastian and backed up against the arm of the couch while his air supply got caught in his throat.

"Reed!" Sebastian leapt for him and pressed his hands to his cheeks. "It's okay! We don't have to do anything! Do you need - um -"

He stood up and cast about, and Reed almost regretted the loss of his hands, this time. But the air against his cheeks was cool, and the frantic look on Sebastian's face made him want to stop - to stop the sound of the air tearing through him. He grit his teeth, swallowed and cried out at the pressure in his throat, the frustration as his hyperventilation continued.

Sebastian knelt him front of him again and stroked his cheek, whispering, "It's okay. And don't worry. I still like you. I hope you still like me. I'm sorry I got carried away. You can always tell me to stop anything I do."

Reed whimpered. He wanted to say thank you, tell him he still liked him, but to do that his passages would need to stop clogging with panic. He closed his eyes and breathed out, hard and slow, though shaky. His chest hurt with the effort, but he kept the pace going on the inward breath.

"Good, good!" Sebastian cooed, soft voice catching on something. Reed's breath sped up a moment, and Sebastian soothed, "Come on. Breathe. Want me to count?"

Reed shook his head. He hated counting his breaths; it made him nauseous.

Slowly, the habit of breathing normally resumed, and Reed's thoughts stopped juddering through his brain, and started to make more sense.

He stared at Sebastian and his gentle eyes that were still smiling, and said, "You're so lovely."

Sebastian blushed and looked down at his lap, folding his hands there. Reed realised with a start that his wrists were red and embedded with small crescents.

"I hurt you!" His hands flew to them, landing light and quaking.

Sebastian considered them for a moment, lips pursed, then twisting into a smile. "It was sexy."

Now, Reed blushed, his mouth parting.


	2. Chapter 2

"I had a panic attack this week," Reed looked at Juyoung, then at his twisting hands. "It was...an inopportune moment." He grimaced and sucked in a breath.

Juyoung nodded encouragingly, eyes devoid of judgement. "Do you want to tell me what that moment was?"

"Okay." Reed shrugged as though it was no big deal, though his voice quavered. "I've been dating...this guy for a little while, and I like him a lot. I let him in my apartment and we were kissing and that was fine, but then he pushed his...body really close to mine, and of course he didn't know that would be a problem. He was very nice about it, though, and helped me calm down."

While he was talking, he heard it from her perspective. It sounded weak. Much worse things could happen. Much, much worse. He scrunched the eyes of his imagination closed, so he wouldn't start thinking of such things.

"You did well to calm down," Juyoung said. "And it sounds like he behaved well."

"Yes. Well, he did get a bit carried away when we were kissing. But then he was back to his usual sweet self." Reed occupied himself with scratching the back of his hand.

"Did you think about why he might have been carried away?" she asked.

He blinked and shook his head, lips pursed and slightly open.

"Well, the most likely reason is that he's very attracted to you."

"Me?" He pointed to himself and scrunched his eyebrows like a wad of paper he definitely didn't want to read.

"Of course! Why else would he go out with you?"

"I suppose..."

"Are you...okay with the idea of him being attracted to you?" she asked.

"Yeah." He shrugged and nodded. His gulp gave him away.

"I think we need to work on some techniques for dealing with your new relationship."

Outside, a car backfired, and Reed jumped as though it were a bullet flying by his ear.

"You're right." He nodded with a shaky, high-pitched laugh, fiddling with his hands again.

~*~

Before their next date, Reed started to invent a rhyme. It distracted him from his nerves, which were rattling under his skin. Every time he got stuck, he recited what he'd already invented. He had twenty lines memorised before Sebastian walked up the street, sand stuck to his shoes and two packaged ice creams in his hands.

"You're eating two, all by yourself!" Reed gasped, and the rhyme scattered to the back of his consciousness.

"No!" Sebastian laughed, his head flopping forward. "One is for you. Chocolate or raspberry?"

"Hmmm." Reed considered them for a moment and pressed a finger to his chin. "Don't you have caramel?"

Sebastian laughed and mimed throwing one of the ice creams onto the road. Reed caught his wrist and the ice cream. The packet was as pink as the little scratch on Sebastian's thumb.

"I'll have raspberry," Reed said, taking the ice cream.

They followed a path through the hill beside a rocky cliff that dropped into a jagged sea bed. The sound of waves hitting rock filed off the first layer of Reed's nerves and gave him a rythm to breathe along to. When they rounded a bend hidden by trees from all but the sea, his shoulders were loose and his arms hanging at his sides.

Sebastian encircled his forearm in his hand, slowed his pace to a stop, and turned to face him. First, he kissed his cheek, and then his lips. Reed forgot to close his eyes. Sebastian's eyelashes were so close. The sea was twinkling over his shoulder. Reed's heart clenched as he waited for that shoulder to loom closer, but it didn't. Only Sebastian's lips on his lips, hand around his arm, sheathed in cloth. Reed's heart beat, and his breathing continued.

~*~

Reed felt his desk chair sag backwards with a squeak, and a warm hand near his back, just beyond his blue and white striped shirt. He turned around, jumping so high he almost toppled sideways. It was only Allan, grinning down at him, no doubt enjoying the temporary sense of height.

"Hey, how's it going?" Allan's smile told Reed he wanted to know about more than the spreadsheet he'd been trying to turn into graphs that made sense.

"Not much." Reed shrugged.

"Not much?" Allan's eyebrows shot up. "Did things not go well with the pretty guy?"

"Oh! Things are going well. Yes, they're going." Reed made a motion with his hands like trains chugging along a track.

"Awesome!" Allan gave him a high five.

Reed left out that Sebastian was meeting him outside the office later and taking him to a nearby restaurant. He checked the clock on his computer. Four o clock. He had two hours to calm his nerves.

Allan eventually left him alone and went to bother Lan, who swayed at him and whined that he had too much work and no time to listen to his ramblings. Before the two hours were up, Reed managed to create some graphs that the Steering Committee would be able to glance at on the overhead projector and not gain a headache from.

He stood up, shouldered his blazer on, and patted his pockets to make sure his phone and wallet were making their rectangles against his thighs.

Lan looked up from his computer, then switched it off and said, "I'll walk down with you."

"Oh, ah, okay," Reed said.

"What? You don't want me to?" Lan halted in throwing his belongings into his shoulder bag. His lips were tighter than Reed's knuckles.

"I do! Come on, hurry up," Reed said pleasantly, walking to the door.

Lan grumbled and jangled a few more things into his bag, then followed him into the hallway and down the stairs. Outside the revolving door, Sebastian stood. His beige jacket almost blended into the wall, but his black hair stood out, overtop his grin. He darted up to Reed.

"Hello! Can I see inside your office?"

"Next time," Reed said. "I'm hungry." Then, with a glance at Lan, "Ah, Lan, this is Sebastian, Sebastian, this is Lan."

"Nice to meet you." Sebastian held out his hand to shake.

Lan studied the hand for a second before shaking it. "Are you the pretty boyfriend?"

Sebastian smirked at Reed. "I hope so."

"Don't worry, Reed's not gonna cheat," Lan said. Was he implying that he couldn't _find_ someone to cheat with?

"No cheating," Reed said, then worried that the high pitch in his voice sounded shifty. "Let's go; I'm hungry."

"Bye, pretty boyfriend," Lan waved.

Sebastian laughed and waved back as he followed Reed out of view of the office and to the restaurant.

"I booked," Sebastian said as he opened the glass door. It jingled to announce their arrival, and a waiter stepped forward to greet them. Behind him were tables full of people filling themselves with colourful dishes. "I've booked under Sebastian Leigh." He smiled brightly at the waiter, who checked his clipboard.

"We don't have a booking under that name," the waiter said.

Sebastian peered over the edge of the clipboard. "Did they get my name wrong?"

The waiter snapped the clipboard up to his chest, and met Sebastian's imploring eyes with slits of ire. "No."

"Um." Sebastian hovered, hands clasped, and turned to Reed.

Perhaps Sebastian had booked the wrong restaurant. Reed looked over the waiter's shoulder, at the tables packed so close that the sleeves of coats brushed against each other, and said, "It's okay. Lets just go somewhere else."

The waiter's mouth twisted, as though Reed should feel devastated at being turned away from such an establishment. He may have felt better at hearing Sebastian's sigh, but Reed was already leading the way back through the jingling door.

"I'm sorry," Sebastian said out on the street. "You're hungry and everything."

Reed shrugged. "I'm always hungry. Let's go." He took Sebastian's hand and led him down the street. Sebastian took one last glance back at the restaurant, his eyebrows scrunched, his lip pouting. He would have looked like a child denied a lolly, if it weren't for the cold, hard look in his eyes.

Halfway towards the orange glow sifting through the window of the next closest restaurant, Reed realised that their hands were plastered to each other, and Sebastian's thumb and forefinger were squeezing, and it was like they were pressing a button that could turn his brain off, if held down long enough, but they never did, just brief squeezes that brought spots into his eyes.

Reed counted backwards from ten in Mandarin, keeping in time with his footsteps, as though the numbers were sending his feet forward. The thud of his shoes against the concrete mounted in his brain, and the spots receded.

~*~

"How did your date go?" Allan asked Reed as he signed in for the day.

Reed jumped and dropped the pen, which swung to and fro from the string that tethered it to the time sheet clipboard.

"It was nice," he said while busying himself with retrieving the pen. "What did Lan say?"

Allan shrugged, but his eyes twinkled. "Not much. Just that he was hot and nice." His mouth hovered open for a second.

Reed narrowed his eyes comically at him. "Nothing else?"

"Well, you know," Allan hesitated, "he also said he thinks he's hiding something, but take that with a grain of salt."

"Who isn't?" Reed said as though this didn't bother him, and laughed with his shoulders. Because it really didn't. Sebastian was a perfectly nice person and whatever he was hiding, whatever the reason for his therapy visits, clearly wasn't as disruptive as Reed's own issue. Which was stabbing sharp reminders into the gaps between his ribs.

~*~

Reed sat next to Sebastian on the brown, threadbare waiting chair. Its flat surface sagged under him and puffed around his thighs. Sebastian's leg pressed against one of those thighs as he shuffled closer to him. Reed stared at the material of his pants until the tiny loops of thread seemed bigger, like links of chain mail.

"How did your session go?" Sebastian asked.

Reed wrenched his attention away from his trousers. "Not bad. Are you going to tell her awful stories about me?"

Sebastian laughed incredulously. "No! Actually, I didn't tell her about you."

"Oh. Me neither."

"Good! Then I don't look like a liar."

"Maybe you still do." Reed meant it to be a joke, but, now that he'd said it, it didn't quite seem like one. His gut churned, but Sebastian's smile only became cheeky and he bumped their shoulders in meager punishment.

"Sebastian," Juyoung's voice faltered at the threshold of the corridor.

Reed and Sebastian looked up to see her eyes darting from one to the other, stuttering at the place where their shoulders met.

"Bye, Reed," Sebastian said, as cheery as ever, and waved as he followed Juyoung out of the waiting area.

Reed twisted his hands in his lap for a moment, before walking in the opposite direction, out through the empty church reception and into fresh wind that slapped him in the face and billowed through his clothes.

~*~

An hour later, Reed received a text from Sebastian, "She didnt ask questions! Haha! Knew I chose the right therapist. ^3^"

Reed sighed and settled deeper into his couch. Then convinced himself he hadn't been worried in the first place, and wouldn't care if she found out. She hadn't seemed concerned to see them together again. She really hadn't.

His laptop was sitting beside him on the couch, half open, a white glow cloaking the keyboard. He pulled it onto his lap, where its warmth seeped through his thighs, and opened Facebook.

No new requests, no messages. His breath slowly blew out of his puffed cheeks, and his shoulders relaxed, or sagged, depending how you looked at him. He scrolled down the page, past cute babies and ugly babies and honeymoon photos, and wrinkled his nose. Nothing that concerned him. Ah - but _that_ did. A picture of himself and a coworker at last year's Christmas party, laughter creasing their faces and a camera's flash casting a sheen over them both. It was unflattering, but no worse than any picture he could take of himself. Still. What was it doing on his feed? Jack had posted it. Fucking Jack! Why didn't he tag him?

Reed swallowed bile and clicked on the album. The caption read, "sorry I'm posting these so late!" As though these photos were some sort of _gift_.

But the picture wasn't that bad. He probably would have approved it, if he'd been given the chance. He swallowed gently, closed his eyes for a moment, then looked through the rest of the album. There were fifty pictures of one of the IT guys attempting to break dance, then one of Reed falling over a table of drinks. His finger sprung off the trackpad of his laptop. A sting of shock left his face numb for a moment.

You could see inside his shirt. A 'v' of chest showed between the collar and top buttons, a shadowy curve of muscle.

He gulped down the bile and air that rose violently up his throat and clicked on Jack's name. He could just...send him a message. A nice, polite message.

His hands shook and fingers spilled over the keys as he typed, "Hi there, can you please remove or crop me out of the pics with me in them? Thanks!"

There. That didn't sound like his mind was battling between anger and panic. It didn't sound like his breaths wouldn't quite reach the depths of his lungs.

"I'd rather not," came Jack's reply.

Reed's throat ached. He slowly typed, "Please?"

"No."

He shoved his laptop away from himself, almost sending it over the edge of the couch, but he didn't care; he was too busy slamming himself inside his room and trapping his breaths under his duvet.

~*~

The tinkling of his phone drew him out of bed, casting the blankets off like layers of skin. He trudged into the living room and stared at his mobile, discarded on the arm of the couch. Sebastian was calling.

He gulped, exercised his jaw a few times, then answered it as cheerfully as he could, "Hello!"

"Hi! What's up?"

"Um...nothing?"

"You don't sound sure about that," Sebastian laughed.

"Nothing's up. But...something's down."

Sebastian paused. "I don't understand. Are you joking? Did something bad happen?"

Reed stared at his laptop, still sitting at the edge of the couch, power cord dangling and half-plugged into the socket. "It's not objectively bad. I just want someone to take a picture of me off Facebook and he's being yuck about it."

"Hmm," Sebastian half growled. "What's his name?"

"Jack Welts," Reed said, then heard faint typing noises through the phone.

"Found him!" Sebastian said with a laugh.

"Don't look!" Reed's chest constricted.

"His privacy settings are pretty good," Sebastian said. "I can only see his profile pictures."

"Well. That's...something."

"Don't worry; we'll get the photos down." Sebastian sounded so cheerful. Like he didn't understand the importance if this, or the futility of it.

Reed sighed. "I don't want to go to work, tomorrow. He's friends with the whole office."

"I'll pick you up, okay?"

"Okay."

~*~

Reed watched as page after page was spat out of the belly of the printer. The bitter smell of ink and warm paper intensified as the whirring and churning sped up. He placed his hands on the front of the printer and closed his eyes.

At a slice to his right, he jumped and turned. Jack was standing at the guillotine, smirking at him while slicing red cardboard in half. His fingers were millimetres from the knife, but he wasn't looking. Reed almost wished he would slice them off, though the thought of it stuck in his brain like a barbed needle and drove all the way down to his stomach.

The printer settled into a lazy hum, and he gathered the hot papers. He bounced them in his fingers as he walked away. A couple of pages landed on an angle, and then the whole stack was tumbling to the ground. He bent to gather them without looking at Jack, until he heard a click behind him.

"Say hi to Facebook!" Jack was hovering over him, phone in hand.

"No!" Reed rounded on him, still in a crouch, the joints in his hands tightening them into claws.

Jack jumped back, his smile mingling with fright, then stalked off wearing a smirk that definitely, definitely needed to be sliced off.

Reed blinked a few times, then gathered the papers, now luke warm and covered in carpet fibers. He hurried to his desk and practically threw them onto it, then speed-walked to the bathroom, almost tripping over his own feet and crashing into the doorframe as he went.

He cloistered himself in a cubicle, closed the toilet lid and sat on it. The grey door in its silver frame pressed against his eyes. Was it comfortable or did he want to throw his fist against it? At least it didn't have a lens in it.

He opened his phone and stared at it for fifteen minutes while his fingers seized up. Then he texted Sebastian, "He's not going to take them down."

A moment later, Sebastian texted back, "Don't worry he will."

Reed blinked until a tear dislodged from his eye, then wiped it away. He was sure Sebastian didn't know what he was talking about.

Fifteen minutes later, he was still in the cubicle, staring at the speckled grey floor and wondering if every speck was part of the print, or if some were dirt. He thought about leaving and going back to his desk, but then imagined Jack's eyes falling on him and a stinging chill seized him.

His phone buzzed, and he looked at it. A message from Lan: "Are you okay? You missed Eunsil telling me off for my messy desk. Like it stops me from doing my work."

Okay, so his absence was noticeable. Perhaps everyone's attention would be on the messy desk and Jack wouldn't even glance at him. Reed unlocked the cubicle and washed his hands, staring at the water running over his fingers and avoiding his reflection. He could stick the rest of the day out, until Sebastian came.

~*~

Two hands clamped onto Reed's shoulders. He jumped so high his thighs banged against the underside of his desk. He whirled around on his wheely chair to face Sebastian, who was beaming at him with wide eyes.

"Woah, you have me a fright," Sebastian said, laughing.

"You gave _me_ a fright!" Reed smoothed his trousers over his thighs, then stood up. "Let's go."

Sebastian leant in close and whispered, "Which one is it?"

Sebastian's breath was too close to Reed, sending his thoughts wafting through the air. Then he remembered what had happened, reddened, and pointed at Jack behind the shelter of Sebastian's shoulder. Sebastian peeked, then turned around fully and walked from the room with Reed in tow.

When they were outside, in the fresh air that billowed through Reed's clothes and made him shudder, Sebastian asked, "Wanna catch the bus to my place?" Reed hesitated, so he added, "I'll attempt to cook food from a can and we can play video games."

"I could help you cook meat," Reed said.

"If you wanna go to the market, first." Sebastian laughed.

"Yes, I do!" Reed said, then took Sebastian's hand and led him to the train station.

~*~

Sebastian eyed the last portion of beef on the plate. Reed, his face still stuffed and chewing, waved at him to go ahead and eat it. Sebastian reached over the table, retrieved the meat and shoved it in in his mouth all at once. He nodded and smiled, bouncing on his seat as he chewed. Reed tipped his head from side to side and swallowed the remains of his mouthful, then pouted at the empty plate.

"I'm full but I want more," Reed said, sagging against his chair.

Sebastian swallowed the rest of that precious last piece and whacked Reed lightly on the arm. "No, let's play a game."

He pulled Reed up by the sleeve and led him to the couch, leaving behind their dishes.

They punched and kicked the pixels out of each other for about an hour, until Sebastian started yawning, long, wide, without even covering his mouth. Reed took that as his cue to go, and he was a little grateful - he still need a lot of time to force himself into the shower before bed.

~*~

Reed hesitated at the door to the office, then stumbled into the wall as Hana brushed past him. She whirled around in fright.

"Are you okay? I barely touched you!"

"Just some broken bones," he said, laughing as he looked over her shoulder for crooked eyebrows and a snide smile.

No sign of Jack. His shoulders slackened as he made his way to his desk, then stiffened again to wait for the man's inevitable arrival.

That never came.

By ten o clock, phones were being checked for messages from him or Facebook updates. Reed didn't turn around, and typed faster into his spreadsheet.

He could hear Lan say loudly, "Its not like it's a _bad_ thing he's not here."

This earned a few stifled titters, and Reed fought unsuccessfully to keep a straight face. Still, clammy sweat tickled his temples. Any moment, now, Jack would come through that door and get told off by Eunsil and then he'd take his indignation out on Reed. In just a moment.

~*~

At twelve o clock, Sebastian texted him, "I have a present for you! Come over after work. I can't come pick you up its too big :D"

Reed's heart quivered, and he set his phone on his desk with a hand that was now warm, sweat evaporating.

~*~

Reed pressed the buzzer for Sebastian's apartment. The wind had whipped all of the heat from the metal, and his finger stung, but Sebastian's cheery voice through the speaker made him grin.

"Come up!"

Reed obeyed, finding his way up the lift and to Sebastian's door. When he knocked, Sebastian opened it a crack, an over-wide eye peeking through.

"Hey!" he said, and opened it just enough for Reed to slip through. "So, don't be mad."

He was standing so close that Reed couldn't see much past his head. So Reed kissed him, to reassure him without making any promises. Sebastian gripped his jaw and scraped his teeth over Reed's bottom lip, then released him with a sigh and stepped aside.

In the middle of Sebastian's living room, on top of a plastic rubbish bag, lay Jack. His neck had rolled back to expose the underside of his jaw, skin that was far too white. Slack fingers trailed from the sleeve of his sweatshirt, the same waxen colour.

"I...I just wanted the photos down!" Reed cried.

"They are down. I got him to take them down!" Sebastian placed his hands on Reed's chest. Reed's skin cells all seemed to move away from those hands, and he swiped them away. "He kept going on about how he'd tell the police on me and picked a fight, so..." Sebastian shrugged.

Reed stared at Sebastian, his sheepish expression, his relaxed arms. All of Reed's insides curdled.

"Sweetie," Sebastian moved a step towards him, then stopped without touching him. "I was just trying to help...and got carried away. And you hate him, right?"

"Not that much." Reed's voice scraped through his oesophagus.

"Really?" Sebastian's head tipped to the side. "You never imagined kicking him down, punching his face, squeezing him till he burst tar everywhere, cause he's so bad, he must be full of tar, right?"

They both looked down at Reed's hands, knuckles locked at rigid angles and making claw shapes.

"He's full of blood, but...he's still bad," Sebastian said, clasping a hand in Reed's. Reed tightened his grip until Sebastian's hand went as white as Jack's, skin hot, dented with fingerprints and nail crescents, under eyes that stung and burned and could only look at the hands; nothing else was safe to look at, especially not Sebastian's eyes. Oh no, he was looking at them. Soft and cheerful and calm. What did they look like when he killed Jack? Maybe if he looked long enough, that expression would show itself and he'd feel frightened enough to run away.

But Sebastian's eyes remained like morning light through a net curtain.

"I don't know what to do," Sebastian said, "about the body."

He looked over at Jack, and Reed couldn't help but follow his gaze, to that chin jutting up to the ceiling. Then Reed's eyes darted around the room, past the olive green couches, the black lampshade, to the kitchen, where rows of cupboards divided the wall into squares.

"Do you have anything that could dissolve it?" Reed winced at the thought.

"Um...um," Sebastian looked from Reed to the kitchen. "Like what?"

He scuttled over to one of the cupboards with Reed trailing behind him and avoiding looking at the body from this new angle. Sebastian wrenched open a cupboard full of spray and screw-top bottles. They tipped about as his hand encroached on their haphazard order.

He pulled out a large white bottle by its curved handle, his skinny elbow drooping under its weight. "This is the stuff my mum used to clean my floor when I let it get too dirty one time."

Reed looked under his socks at the flecks of dry noodle and crumbs of bread, and decided 'one time' was a lie.

Sebastian continued, "I swear, there were fumes coming off it. The place smelt of acid for weeks."

"Okay. Lets try that." Reed took the bottle from him and carted it into the bathroom. Its dull thud against the tiles felt like clanging in his ears. "Now, the, erm, carting of the body."

Sebastian darted back to the living room and said, "Arms or legs."

Reed followed him and looked down at the body. The eyes were closed. He tried not to think of Sebastian smoothing the eyelids down with his fingers. The mouth was open, a dark, red hole into this now mindless body. It was now just a body. None of the good things about Jack were left. His mind, skills, love for...whoever he loved. This was just the worst part. The scary part. The body.

"Legs," Reed said, and moved around to Jack's feet, where he could no longer see that mouth, only the chin and neck.

Sebastian grabbed Jack's wrists with no hesitation, and the hands flopped from his grip.

"Maybe you should hold the elbows," Reed said.

"Oh, right!" Sebastian laughed and moved his grip further down. His fingers dug into the flesh of Jack's forearm.

Reed hovered with his hands above Jack's legs, then dove down and lifted them up. Sebastian instantly started walking backwards, and Reed stumbled. His face lurched towards Jack's knees, but he caught his balance.

They took the body into the bathroom and lay it in the tub, accompanied by that awful sound of skin against porcelain, and this was _dead skin_ on porcelain. Reed sucked in a deep breath through his teeth and held on to the shower door for a moment.

He glanced back at the body, then noticed the dark stain soaking down the blue material of Jack's shirt. It travelled down his jeans, and to...Reed's hands. Reed yelped, and rubbed his hands on the front of his own shirt, leaving two red smears down the green and white stripes.

Sebastian grabbed Reed's wrists and held them gently. "It's okay!"

Reed shook his head and wriggled his wrists out of Sebastian's grip. He knelt down, where the bathroom tiles dug into his knees, and took the bottle of floor cleaner. Quickly, squeezing his eyes until he could only see a sliver of the bathtub, he unscrewed the cap and poured the entire contents over the body. Sebastian ran the tap until the water and nose-stinging liquid rose up above every bump in Jack's body, his nose, chest, knees, all submerged.

Reed stood up. "Shower." His voice vibrated through his skull painfully.

"I don't-" Sebastian started, but Reed was already opening the shower door and pushing him inside.

Reed followed, tripping over the shower mat and colliding with Sebastian's chest. Sebastian laughed until Reed turned the water on, then he squeaked at the icy shards that smattered his back. He flattened himself against the wall while the water warmed. Reed had stopped moving. He was looking down at his red-streaked chest. Sebastian reached forward and undid his buttons. Still, Reed didn't move, even while Sebastian uncovered his shoulders, chest, arms, while biting his lip and staring.

Soon, both of their clothes crumpled at the bottom of the shower, clogged with water that ran in pink streaks to the drain. The shower head finally slammed hot water into the space between them. The droplets were loud against the white and red floor and hard against their chests. Water coursed down their bodies, unimpeded and clear. Sebastian pushed his head through the jet of water and came out the other side to kiss Reed. His soggy hair slapped his forehead as his tongue pushed between his teeth. Now, Sebastian's back was shielding Reed from most of the water, but the steam still clouded his face and seeped into his ears, and Sebastian's wet hands stroked down his chest...his bare chest...his bare stomach.

Reed tensed and pulled back, flattening against the wall of the shower, and reached for the door handle, but Sebastian wrapped an arm around his waist and yanked their bodies hard against each other. Reed could feel Sebastian's erection against his stomach, hard, insistent flesh.

"You're not clean, yet," Sebastian said, gentle and cheerful, and retrieved a bar of soap from a shelf on the wall.

As he lathered the bar against Reed's skin, Reed let his head fall back and closed his eyes. The only thing keeping him from falling backwards was Sebastian's arm around his waist. Every pore of his skin was being licked by cold air or hot steam, battered by water, or pressed against Sebastian's skin. There was no shelter.

But Sebastian had to clean him. He was dirtier than anyone should ever be. So he let his soapy hands roam, and felt the tingle of blood scrub away. And Sebastian was even dirtier. Reed couldn't just leave him like that. He took the soap from him and pressed it gingerly to his shoulder, then let it slide and roam while Sebastian giggled. He cleaned everywhere...everywhere, consumed with how clean they both would be, as though the body wasn't still dissolving in the bath beside them.

He placed the soap back on the shelf, stood under the water for one last rinse, and stepped out of the shower. A burgundy towel hung on a rail. He grabbed it and wrapped it under his armpits. Sebastian's hand enclosed around Reed's as he gripped the edge of the towel and pulled it back open. Sebastian stepped inside the towel enclosure.

"I've only got one towel - we have to share," he said against Reed's ear.

He kissed that ear, and trailed his lips down Reed's neck. Every slick movement jolted down the length of Reed's spine, and he laughed, trying to angle his neck away from Sebastian. Sebastian gripped the back of Reed's soggy head and held him there. The tickles filled Reed's mind until it hurt to try thinking of anything else, even though there _was_ something important to think about, to be worried about. He took a fistful of Sebastian's hair and pried his face from his neck, but, instead of thinking, Reed kissed him hard on the mouth.

Sebastian made a high pitched noise of delight and started leading Reed backwards, out of the bathroom. The towel fell to the tiles. Reed didn't trip on it. Instead, his back hit Sebastian's mattress before he even knew where he was. The feeling of material against his skin sent a sigh of relief through his body, but it no longer seemed as important as the feeling of Sebastian's skin grazing his chest and smothering his thighs, or Sebastian's back, writhing under his fingertips.

Sebastian's lips left Reed's and he sat up to straddle him. And looked down. Reed involuntarily looked down, too, past the planes of his chest and abs. They were both erect, and almost touching. Sebastian's dick was smaller than Reed's. Did that mean Sebastian was small or Reed was big? Either way, Reed was relieved, felt less threatened.

He looked at Sebastian's face. Heavy-lids over dark eyes, teeth making a dent in his full bottom lip. Then his eyelashes flicked upwards and he smiled at Reed.

"Sweetie, you're so big." His voice raked Reed's eardrums.

"Do you," Reed held his breath, "like it?"

Two words, spoken low in Sebastian's throat. "A lot."

"W-well," Reed stammered, "I like yours."

Sebastian smiled brightly, took Reed's hand, and guided it to his cock. Reed was glad for it, because he hadn't yet gathered the courage to touch it on his own, and was even more glad at the way Sebastian's lips parted and his eyes darkened again. Then he realised that his hand was limp and the only thing keeping it touching Sebastian's cock was Sebastian's own hand. He curled his fingers around the length, and watched a ripple of pleasure pass over Sebastian's face.

Sebastian blinked, and his usual cheery expression returned. He leant over Reed to the bedside table and retrieved a condom and bottle of lube.

"I hope this will fit you." He flicked the condom at Reed's chest.

Reed blushed and picked it up with his free hand, while Sebastian detached his other hand from his cock and rolled off Reed. Sebastian spread his legs and inserted a lubed finger inside himself, and Reed realised his mind had to do some catching up with the situation. Without twirling and whirling away into an excess of breathing.

He stared at the condom and told himself it was just like clothes. He ripped it open and put it on, trying to remember health class, all those years ago. By the time he'd finished, Sebastian was rolling back on top of him, face a little red, legs shaking.

Was he sad that he'd missed the sight of Sebastian fingering himself? He didn't know. Was Sebastian disappointed that he didn't do it himself? He didn't dare think about what it did to Sebastian's body. Stretching him, making him slick. But now he _was_ thinking about that, wasn't he? Reed's vision lurched like a ship about to capsize, and he swallowed hard.

But when Sebastian lowered himself onto Reed, sucking a knife of air between his teeth, it wasn't sickening or frightening. Well, it _was_ a little frightening, the warm pleasure that increased as Sebastian took more of him in. But not in a panick attack way, more in a way that made him want to throw his head against the pillows and clutch at Sebastian's thigh until it dented. And he did.

Sebastian didn't make a sound. He just closed his eyes and sucked his bottom lip into his mouth. Even when he started to move faster.

Reed's breathy, soft voice punctuated the air with every thrust. "Ah!"

He started to buck upwards in time with Sebastian's downward thrusts. The increased friction sharpened his moans, while Sebastian hissed and dug his nails into Reed's abdomen. The head of his cock was wet with precum, a cry for attention, so Reed gripped it again and began to stroke in time with their thrusts. The shadow of Sebastian's eyelashes on his cheekbones lengthened as he tipped his head back.

Reed's face heated and his insides melted, until he was sure he had no body at all, just a goosebump-covered outer casing, and it was the best feeling in the world. But Sebastian's body was definitely still there, hot and tight around his dick, hard in his hand, making slick, messy sounds and reeking of the musky smell of pleasure.

One last moan rolled through Reed's torso, and he came. At this, every part of Sebastian seemed to relax, shoulders sagging, fingers curling limply, and he came over Reed's fingers.

He peeled the sticky, sweaty insides of his thighs off Reed's hips and lifted himself off his cock, and curled into his side, one hand hooked around his head and threaded through his hair. Reed detached that hand and got up to clean himself in the bathroom and throw the condom away, avoiding his reflection in the mirror. The tiles glared reflected light at him, but not his own image.

When he returned, Sebastian's face was embedded in the pillow and drool was eeking out of his parted lips. Reed chuckled. He sat back on the bed and laid a hand on Sebastian's hip. The skin was too soft and smooth; Reed had to sigh at his beauty. The urge to look at his own skin tugged his eyes downwards, but he squeezed them closed just in time. The cells in his body began to shake, afraid of each other, his brain stung and his chest ached.

He had to find something to wear. He moved to get up, but an arm latched around his waist and trapped him against Sebastian's curled up body. Sebastian threw the sheet over them. The material floated down and settled on Reed's thighs.

"You were so good," Sebastian said, and Reed wondered whether he meant he had been good at sex or that he'd done well to achieve sex at all. Either way, it settled Reed's shaking enough for him to lie back down and let Sebastian spoon him. "Who else do you need me to murder?"

Reed jumped in shock. "No one! That's - that's not-"

"It helped you," Sebastian prodded his cheek.

"Only because I was so stressed about _that_ that there was no room in my brain for my normal stress!" Reed rolled over and clutched the sides of Sebastian's face. "You have to promise not to kill anyone else!"

Sebastian pouted. "Okay... What about extreme sports?" He brightened.

"Extreme sports?"

"Yeah! Almost death but not actually!"

"O-okay, yes, I could deal with that." Reed pressed his lips together.

He decided he was willing to risk the possibility that Sebastian would send him hurtling from a rock-face on the end of a faulty bunjy cord.


	3. Chapter 3

"I made...an achievement," Reed said, staring at his knees instead of Juyoung's face. She hummed in reassurance, so he continued, "I was naked. I fell asleep naked. And I didn't panic until I woke up in the morning."

"Congratulations." Her voice came out in a gasp. He looked up at her face, and her eyes were smiling crescents. "I'm so proud of you."

"Thank you." He clamped his hands between his knees.

"What led up to this?"

His eyes instantly dropped again, where he stared at the bones jutting from his wrists.

"Something stressful happened. You were right about distraction. It was like I needed something truly stressful to focus on, instead of...something that shouldn't be stressful at all."

"Reed, what were you like, back when your anxiety first got too much to handle? Were you stressed or calm?"

Reed gulped. "I was stressed."

She nodded. "I believe you have formed a worry habit. Your brain is producing a chemical that is actually useful, in dangerous situations, but yours produces it in excess, and it's _not_ useful in safe situations. If you subject yourself to stress, it's not going to break the worry habit, it's going to encourage it, and your brain will think it needs to keep producing too much of this chemical. Distraction is the key, yes, but _calm_ distraction. Intellectual pursuits, pleasant hobbies."

Reed scrunched his eyes closed. Her voice softened.

"It _is_ wonderful that you found a moment of reprieve. Now, lets think about the long term."

~*~

He did try. He picked up ten new hobbies. But it was a little difficult to concentrate on learning Mandarin or how to knit when Sebastian invited him out to hike up near-vertical slopes or rollerblade through heavy traffic. So there were a few gaps in his calm, intellectual and busy new life. And those were the times he got his clothes off.

A blue car jerked on its wheels as it stopped, just in time for Sebastian to fly in front if it.

A man stuck his head out the window and yelled, "Do you want to die?"

Sebastian just laughed quietly; Reed could see his smile from across the road, while he wobbled on his own rollerblades. Sebastian crashed into him and knocked him over. Reed's backside hit the footpath and his bones shook.

"Be careful!" Reed cried out, sitting up on his elbows.

Sebastian reached up to kiss Reed, shoving his tongue through his teeth, then was up and away, speeding back towards the road.

By the time they got back to Reed's apartment, they both had scrapes all over their forearms and the knees of their jeans were grazed thin. There were pebbles inside Reed's rollerblades, and he winced as he took them off in the lobby of his apartment block, sitting on the cold marble floor. Sebastian was already standing next to him, rollerblades swinging from one hand and the other rubbing Reed's shoulder through his tshirt.

Feet now free, Reed took Sebastian's hand and skidded with him across the marble and to the lift. Sebastian bounced on the balls of his feet until it came. When the silver doors thudded closed, encasing them in a small, mirrorless square, Sebastian shoved Reed against the wall, fists snagged in his collar, and kissed him hard. Reed's arm flailed to the side until it hit the right floor for his apartment, then wound around Sebastian's neck.

As soon as the doors reopened, Reed shoved Sebastian off him and ran out and down the hallway. Sebastian caught up while he was fumbling for his key in his pocket, and started pecking at the back of Reed's neck. Reed giggled and shook the clouds of lust out of his head for just long enough to unlock the door. Once inside, he slammed the door closed with Sebastian shoved against it. The walls shook. Sebastian's breath shuddered and his hips bucked towards Reed, and then there was no space between them but space needed to tear clothes off skin. Before Sebastian's jacket was completely removed, he pulled a small tube of lube and a condom out of the pocket.

Laughing, Reed took them from him and tried not to think about the unfunny reason Sebastian felt the need to keep them with him at all times, ever ready for the flashing moment when Reed could cope with revealing himself, sticky and hard and flushed and -

"Baby, stay with me," Sebastian whispered, gripping the sides of Reed's face and staring into his eyes with an expression calculated to reassure.

Reed nearly choked on his gulp, but managed to slow his breathing, though it became more laboured as Sebastian started to roll his body against his. Their dicks rubbed against each other and Reed moaned. Sebastian bit his lip and rolled his eyes back.

"Your voice is so pretty," Sebastian's ragged whisper grazed Reed's ear.

"Ah! What's your voice like?" Reed asked. "You never make a sound. Nnn."

"I can make noise if you like," Sebastian's lips were against Reed's ear, his warm breath tickling.

Reed whined and nodded.

"'Kay. You stretch me real good for your huge cock, and I'll moan for you." Sebastian licked inside Reed's ear and squeezed his cock.

Reed didn't give himself time to think until his fingers were slick and inside Sebastian, and then all he thought about was how to work another moan free from Sebastian's throat. One of Sebastian's legs was hooked around Reed's waist. Reed's wrist started to ache from the close angle. He pulled his fingers out and cracked his bones.

Sebastian growled and latched his arms tight around Reed's neck and shoulders. "Get in me, you - you -"

He mumbled garbled insults while Reed sheathed himself in the condom, then wrapped his other leg around his waist. Reed quickly gripped his thighs and held him against the door, which rattled under their weight.

Sebastian's moan was low and deep as Reed penetrated him, and his muscles tightened and relaxed around him. He quickly coaxed Reed into a fast rythm with a few snaps of his hips, and moaned louder when Reed started to slam him into the door again and again.

"Unh uh, fuck, yes, you're so hot, unh. Hurts so good, unh!"

Sebastian rolled his head back and Reed sped up his thrusts until Sebastian came between their stomachs. His muscles flexed and stood out in his usually smooth flesh, and he continued to rock against Reed's cock until Reed came, too.

They slumped against the doorframe and Sebastian slowly unwound his legs from Reed. They wobbled when he tried to stand, so he leaned against Reed's own tired body. Reed's sweaty, wilting, soiled body. Reed suppressed a gag and unstuck Sebastian from him, pressing him firmly against the door before running into the bathroom.

~*~

Reed's knee hit the underside of his desk and he dropped his pen. It skittered away, across the floor. Lan wheeled his chair over and picked the pen up, placing it on Reed's jigging thigh. Reed didn't know whether he wanted to slap his hand away, thrust against it, or cry.

Lan's brow dented in the middle and he said, "Are you okay?" Mercifully, he removed his hand.

"Yeah." Reed's voice was weak and he cursed himself.

"Let's go get you a glass of water." Lan stood up and tugged on Reed's hand. Reed looked back at the database and excel table he was working on, but Lan tugged harder, "Come on."

As they walked down the hallway, Reed stared at the floor and not at the feet of those who passed him. The green carpet chafed the soles of his shuffling shoes.

"You need to stop making me worry. I'm too young and beautiful to go grey," Lan said.

"Don't worry. Worrying is bad." Reed laughed without mirth.

~*~

The TV flickered gold and green light over Sebastian's face, while Reed watched his tiny smile. Reed curled an arm around his waist, and Sebastian's gaze slipped from the TV to Reed's wide eyes. Sebastian smiled in earnest and shifted against his green couch. He leant up and kissed Reed, soft and lazy. Reed gave him sweet kisses back, while splaying his palm against Sebastian's chest to keep him at bay.

Sebastian's kisses slowly got firmer and he tilted his head for better access to Reed's mouth, then moved to straddle his legs. His scent sharpened and flicked at Reed's nostrils. Reed's muscles went rigid and his heartbeat sped up, but not in an affectionate, exciting way, more like his heart and possibly other organs wanted to escape from his chest. Flattened as it was between Sebastian and the back of the couch, he didn't blame them.

Sebastian slid a hand up Reed's thigh and squeezed. Reed's brain crackled. He slapped the hand away.

"Don't touch me," he said, and it came out coarser than he intended.

Hurt glimmered in Sebastian's eyes for a moment, before being submerged in darkness. He ground his crotch against Reed's thigh. Reed slapped him across the face. Sebastian yelped, then lunged forward, pinning Reed's wrists to the back of the couch. His grip was sweaty but infused with the same iron that burned in his eyes like the tip of a blacksmith's sword.

"I should just kill you," he said softly. "Stab all the blood out of you. You probably hate your blood, anyway."

Reed's ears rang and his chest really did feel like it was being stabbed. His breathing escalated, became wild, erratic, then quickened into a rythm that locked into his lungs and wouldn't leave, wouldn't leave, even when Sebastian's expression melted into tears and he stroked his face.

"It's okay, it's okay. I'm so sorry; I didn't mean it. I would never kill you. I was just mad. I'm stupid. I should've backed off. Please don't hate me."

A sob racked through Sebastian's chest. Reed just stared at him, no room for words around the hard, thick air that tore through his throat. Sebastian calmed down first, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. He cupped his hands behind Reed's head and back, and shifted him so he was lying face up on the couch. Reed lay rigid as terror and frustration clawed through his body. He pushed back against his rapid breaths, but they tore through his brain and ripped his resolve apart.

Sebastian smoothed Reed's hair back from his eyes and laid the lightest of kisses on his sweaty brow. He sat perched on the edge of the couch, hip not even daring to touch Reed.

As Reed's mind stopped spinning, he forced himself to stop thinking about his blood, inside or outside his body, and concentrated on the decidedly calm set of Sebastian's brow. Eventually, his breathing slowed and slipped back into his subconscious, though more ragged than before.

~*~

Reed didn't know how to tell Juyoung about the incident, so he didn't. Perhaps she noticed the way he wrung his hands into the knees of his beige jeans, but she didn't mention it.

~*~

"Don't fall off!" Reed called out to Sebastian, who was walking along the rock wall next to the footpath, just a little way ahead of him. His torso was tipping from side to side, arms out and wheeling through the air.

"Oh no!" Sebastian called back, grinning as he mock-stumbled and dropped off the wall, down the other side and out of Reed's view.

"Sebastian!" Reed ran up to the wall and looked over it.

Sebastian was standing on the point of a rock, wobbling slightly, as waves splashed his sneakers. He winked at Reed and kissed the air, then skipped over the rocks, black hair bouncing against a backdrop of blue-grey sea and whitecaps. The strip of rocks, flooded and dashed by waves, stretched around a bend in the coast and out of sight.

Reed ran parallel to Sebastian, along the footpath. A lady with a pram had to dodge him as he ran without looking ahead, eyes following Sebastian's bobbing form. Reed squawked when Sebastian stumbled and nearly fell face first into the jagged edge of a rock. That pretty face would not suit a red and grey dent in it.

Reed vaulted over the wall and careened after Sebastian. Every rock he stood on either wobbled or was so wet the soles of his sneakers slipped across their planes. When he reached Sebastian, he clung to his shoulders, so the other man had to stop his skipping.

"How will we get back up?" Reed asked, looking up at the wall. From this side, it was taller than either of them could reach, and had no ledges to grip.

"We go around," Sebastian pointed ahead at the bend, which gave away no clue as to when the rocks might dissolve into sand.

So they trekked, Reed clinging with two hands to one of Sebastian's. The pointed, wobbly path soon turned into rock pools, then a triangle of golden sand, before another stretch of rocks. They stopped to examine the pools, but the shells inside were empty and motionless, and no scaled or spongy creatures lurked in sight.

By the time they hit the sand, water was squelching between Reed's toes and his sneakers had turned from white to grey. Sebastian kicked sand at him, which filled the crevices of their shoes and seeped into their socks. Reed ran at him, revenge kicking up great swathes of sand, until Sebastian tripped and fell, causing Reed to tumble after him.

They lay together, legs tangled and sand digging into their arms, and giggled into each other's mouths.

Reed looked inland. A steep hill, thick with foliage, extended up from the beach. The only sign of humanity was a little shed at the base of the hill. It had a corrugated roof and the door was painted the same green as the forest.

"We'll have to go up that hill," Reed said.

Sebastian grinned and leapt to his feet. "Let's go!"

Reed followed him up to the shed, and they peered into the grime and cobweb-covered window. Inside, shelves of tools and fishing rods lined the walls. Sebastian circled around to the door, pulled his wallet out of his pocket, and unlocked it with his credit card. Reed's heart thumped against his ribcage as he followed his boyfriend in and shut the door.

A wooden table stood by the window, and a large metal box sat on top of it. Sebastian gave one heave and shoved the box off the table with a clang. The box spilled open, it's innards gleaming in the low light.

Sebastian grabbed Reed's face and kissed him. His tongue darted in and out of his mouth while Reed moaned and hummed against it. Their shirts were flung to the dusty floor while their shorts and briefs were pushed to their ankles, but not before Sebastian retrieved his ever-present tube of lube and condom.

He circled around Reed and kissed his shoulders before gripping his neck and bending him over the table. Reed whined and braced his elbows against the splintering wood. The sound of lube against Sebastian's fingers made Reed's cock twitch, but his sphincter flinched closed at the brush of Sebastian's fingertip.

He felt guilty, but Sebastian murmured, "So pretty," and crouched lower. He could feel Sebastian's breath against his ass, and fought the urge to curl himself away. "Can my tongue coax you open?"

Before Reed could protest, warm, wet softness pressed at his entrance. His shoulders slumped and his backside canted upwards while he twitched against Sebastian's tongue.

He cried, "Oh! Oh! Oh!" before his voice dissolved into whines.

Sebastian got a finger inside him, then removed his tongue and inserted another, and another. The squelching and the smell made Reed's throat constrict. He scrunched his eyes closed until spikes of light tore through his imagination; he didn't want to guess what he looked like.

"So sexy," Sebastian murmured and raked his fingernails up Reed's thigh. "So pretty and pink. Relax a bit more and you can have my cock."

Reed shuddered and whined, turning his head to look at Sebastian. His eyes were on his ass and his lips were parted hungrily. He nudged his cock just below Reed's entrance, smearing precum. Reed nearly choked on a wave of need that pulsed out from his groin. Sebastian sighed with satisfaction and bit his lip as he slowly removed his fingers and coated his dick with lube.

Reed buried his face in his arms and cried out at the burn of Sebastian entering him. He moved quickly - far quicker than Reed ever dared. It was a good thing he wasn't so big. Reed's thighs slammed into the table under Sebastian's thrusts, so he braced his feet on the floor and stiffened his legs. His thigh muscles hardened under Sebastian's hand, earning them a squeeze and a hum of appreciation. Sebastian's deep, hoarse moans started to vibrate against Reed's neck, while his own started to sound like sobs.

He wanted Sebastian to touch his cock, but the words were hidden in a fog of lust and embarrassment. All he could do was pant and shake and dig his nails into the wood. Sebastian's hands were busy gripping Reed's thighs. Suddenly, he stood up straight, placed a hand on the curve of Reed's back, and started stroking Reed's cock fast, gripping him tight. Reed cried out and dug his nails further into the wood. And Sebastian was coming, filling him with heat and then stilling inside him while he jerked him off to climax. Reed shook as his seed spilled over the table and Sebastian's hand.

Sebastian pulled out and dropped the condom to the floor, where it leaked, translucent and white. Reed wanted to chastise him, but didn't want to draw attention to his own ostentatious mess on the table. Instead, he bent over and pulled up his shorts and briefs, then went looking for his shirt. He found Sebastian's first, but his skin was already starting to crawl under the sunlight seeping through the grimy window, so he put it on. It was only a little tight, ribbing at the chest to accommodate his extra muscle.

"You're so cute!" Sebastian squeezed his waist and clothed himself in Reed's tshirt.

"You're beautiful." Reed squeezed him back.

The sight of his own shirt over Sebastian's body made him feel warm in his chest. He closed his eyes and leant against him, sure he could fall asleep, if not for the thought of getting caught tugging at his brain.

"Let's go up that hill." He stood up straight and took Sebastian's hand. Resisting the urge to clean up the shed, he led him out and towards the green slope.

~*~

Reed chewed on his pen and stared at his computer screen. The hum of the office was settling into his brain and slowly feasting on the cells there. His mobile phone buzzed on his desk and he jumped, nearly choking on his pen. A few people turned in their chairs to stare at him, while Lan wheeled over and patted him on the back. His expression was both worried and judgemental.

Reed nodded in thanks and checked his phone. The text message from Sebastian read, "Come over tonight! xoxoxxx"

Reed sighed and rested his chin in his hands. How was he going to concentrate on his work, now? Maybe Juyoung was right. Maybe he should find a more mentally consuming job.

~*~

On the train to Sebastian's apartment, Reed flicked through job ads on his phone. There was one he knew he could get, but it was two cities away. He favourited it, but kept scrolling. The train hummed and shook as it shot past a bend, and Reed closed his eyes against the blur outside his window.

When he arrived at Sebastian's apartment building, Sebastian was waiting outside. His grin was pushing at his cheeks and he was bouncing on the balls of his feet.

"Come up." His voice was all breath as he took Reed's hand and skipped him through the lobby, elevator and hallway. "So, um." He pressed himself against his doorway. "Don't be mad, but -"

Reed's eyes widened and he backed away, hitting the opposite wall and flattening there.

"It's okay; it won't affect you," Sebastian said, stepping forward to press a soothing thumb to Reed's palm. "It was self defense. I was being mugged and...and...I couldn't just leave him with a stab wound in the middle of the alley... I thought I was going to patch him up, but then...but then...I..." He trailed off, sucking on his bottom lip and staring at Reed's hand.

"You're a liar," Reed said, his voice harder and crisper than he thought possible. "You lied to me when you said you wouldn't do it again, and you're lying now."

"Don't be mad, baby." Sebastian's voice and hands were silk as he fluttered his eyelashes back up to look Reed in the eye.

Reed couldn't meet his gaze, and wrenched his hand away. It felt like tearing off a layer of skin.

"Wait." Sebastian took Reed by the shoulders, but his touch burned and he ducked out if his grip.

"I love you." The words sounded like they'd risen up from the bottom of Sebastian's soul, sharp, angry, steaming with indignation and desperation. His throat heaved and his jaw twitched.

Reed stepped away.

"Tell me you don't love me and I'll never bother you again," Sebastian said.

Reed fled.

~*~

Reed didn't remember how he got home. He barely remembered packing. But there were three bags full of his belongings sitting by the door of his apartment, and a printout of a long-distance train ride crumpling in his fist.

~*~

One month later...

Reed set his pen down and looked up at the clock at the front of the room. One minute to eleven. He closed his eyes and counted to ten, then looked back at his exam sheet. Question seven, _what is the capital of Australia?_ still eluded him. But it didn't matter. He knew he had at least 80% of the answers correct, and that was what it took to pass.

The administrator at the front of the room stood up and said, "Pens down."

The other two exam takers, a girl with yellow hair like straw and a middle aged man, both scrunched up their faces. The administrator collected their exam papers and led them all out of the board room and into their office. They sat back at their desks, which may have been permanent or temporary, depending on their exam results. Reed hadn't yet put his pineapple ornament beside his computer.

A head popped around the corner of Reed's desk and grinned at him. Harlow, who shared the opposite side of his desk, said, "Daniel! How'd you go?"

"I think I'll pass," Reed said, pushing out his bottom lip and nodding.

"Yes!" Harlow punched the air. "But...you'd better not beat my high score."

"I doubt it," Reed shook his head. At least losing his new friend over a high score wasn't something he needed to worry about.

Harlow's phone rang, and he answered it, his tone suddenly mature, "Hello, Broad Travel, you're speaking with Harlow. How can I help?"

Reed looked at his email inbox and flagged a few tasks, then escaped to the bathroom. He hoped no one in the halls could smell the fear pheromones gushing out of him.

Shut in the stall, the ache in his bladder subsided, just a trick of his cruel body, and his breathing escalated. He hugged himself, chin on his collarbone, and couldn't help remembering the feel of Sebastian wrapped around him. A sob was quickly swallowed back into his throat, where it could barely fit along with all the air that kept tearing in and out, but there it would have to stay.

He wiped his eyes, slapped his face and choked on a breath, forcing it down to a respectable speed. He didn't want to go back out there, have anyone look at him or smell him, but he had to. He had to keep this job.

~*~

When he got back to the hotel he was staying at until he could move into his new apartment, he lay on the brown and bronze couch and closed his eyes for half an hour. He started to crave human interaction, so he pulled his laptop out from under the coffee table and checked his emails. Another one from his old boss, and yesterday's one from Lan were still sitting there in bold.

The mouse hovered over Lan's email for a moment, then he winced and clicked it.

_Hi Old Man!_

_I hope you haven't slipped and broken your hip somewhere no one can find you. No, but seriously, please don't be dead. After what happened to Jack, everyone's pretty freaked out. TBH, I'm way more worried about you. Allan sends his love. He cried and stuff. Ok, so did I. So tell us you're okay, you asshole!_

_Lan_

Reed gulped. How could he ignore that? He pressed reply, but his fingers hovered over the keys uselessly. He scrunched his eyes closed and touch-typed, _I'm okay. I miss you guys lots. Don't worry about me._

~*~

Showers had become impossible. Whenever Reed looked at the large glass box in the corner of the hotel bathroom, he wanted to throw himself against the tiled floor until he split open.

So he bypassed it completely and sat on the edge of the bath, watching the tap fill the white ceramic. When it was three quarters full, he got in, still with his shirt, dress pants, and socks on. The shirt and pant legs bloated and tried to float until they were full of enough water.

He hugged himself and shivered, even though the water was more than warm. His limbs were rigid against the sloshing water. Maybe they would turn into metal and he would become a robot and no longer feel disgusted at himself. Maybe the memory of Sebastian's soft skin would get re-programmed out of his brain. Then he could go to work and talk to people and answer questions without wanting to scratch himself away.

At a thump from outside the bathroom, he jumped, water flooding over the sides of the tub. His hands gripped the edges, but he couldn't move.

The bathroom door opened, revealing a widening triangle of light. Sebastian stood there, half his fringe flown backwards over his head, dressed in black, from his shoes to his gloves.

His frantic expression lit up when he saw Reed.

"I'm so glad I found you," he breathed.

Reed sank back into the bath, limbs slackening, tear dislodging, and said, "Me too."


End file.
